Sometimes you just gotta laugh like an insane person!

I was feeling a bit anxious and weepy this morning, I knew I wasn't going to get out witnessing like I'd planned and it bugged me. The last 5 days have been so awesome and anxiety FREE that I thought my magic Efexor pills had kicked in and soon I'd be working and contributing and doing exercise and cooking dinner every night and just generally being a Stepford Wife.

So I decided to sit down and knit mah rainbow scarf - pics will come when it's done - while catching up on some TV. I picked How I Met Your Mother.

In particular, and completely by accident, the episode where Robin finds out she can't have children. (Which, BTW, didn't make any sense at all - what could they possibly have found in a blood sample that shows without a doubt that she can never have children?!)


I cried through the episode, and then laughed insanely at the end. I mean, of all the things I could've watched to make me feel better today - THAT was what I picked?!

Sometimes it's either laugh or pull out the pills - today I choose laughter. Life is ironic.

Stuck between a rock and a crazy place....

I'm getting cabin fever, being stuck in this house all the time. I'm getting cabin fever, not being able to pay our bills. I'm getting cabin fever, not being a real person.

It's so frustrating - I see Professor come home late day after day, busting his bum for a boss and a company that really couldn't care less and have shown that time and time again; and I know he's doing it for us, pulling my weight because I can't pull my own. It makes me look around for jobs again. I want to work again.

And then I think about the thought of going to an interview, or going to work every day if I manage to make it through the interview, and it shakes me to my core. I've signed up to pioneer (spend extra time witnessing, lucky y'all!) in March, and since I handed the form in, I haven't been to a single meeting. I've barely left the house.

One step forward, 18 steps back. I feel a dark place coming on again.

Wearing my heart on my fingers

I'm right into nail polish at the moment. The few times I manage to get outside - generally to the chemist to pick up more meds - I'm drawn to the $2 polishes. Total big spender, that's me.

I suppose it's a bit of a metaphor for what I wish I could do with my life. With the polish, I can change it as often as I want. I can be edgy, I can be subtle and responsible, I can be completely immature, I can be fun. I can be as outgoing with my nails as I desperately wish I could be in real life. I wear my personality on my nails, and I can change it whenever I feel like it.

At the moment I'm wearing 'Mermaid Green', which is a teal colour. Not something I usually go for. I bought it yesterday in Coles. The first time I'd been out by myself in weeks, picking up some groceries for Mum. I'd already averted one panic attack, and was vainly trying to avert another. Going to Coles at lunch time is a dumb idea for someone who can't deal with crowds.

I stood in the line, and then saw the $2 nail polish bin. My eye was drawn to the polish, and in my head I teased it, saying it was the colour of gangrene. I picked it up and took a closer look. Then it was my turn at the register, and in the fluster of separating out my purchases and paying and not having enough money to pay for my own so stealing some of Mum's money, I forgot I still had it. So it ended up being bought, which was why I didn't have the money for the things I had so carefully added up in my head.

I sat in the car and tried to calm myself down. I'd been out to Bunnings first, bought a rosemary plant, had a panic attack, and fought the urge to drive the 5 minutes home and curl into the foetal position on my bed. Instead, I drove 20 minutes away from my house to do my errands. And dammit, I wasn't gonna go home without finishing them all. I only had one more. I promised myself that if I got home with everything I had gone out for, I would give myself a mani/pedi.

So now, I have gangrenous nails on my hands and feet. And they're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, because every time I look at them, I remember the day I went out and fought through 3 panic attacks to do what everyone else does so easily.

My mind is too busy drawing pictures to bother itself with blogging. Or cleaning.

I really wish I could draw. Lately my mind has been drawing pictures, beautiful scenes, instead of putting together words in those sentence things - hence, the lack of blogging. And no matter how hard I try, I can't translate the scenes into words. It's all rather frustrating.

So, how YOU doin'?

Sometimes The System Comes Through!

Disclaimer: This post talks about my current insanity issues. As previously warned, if you choose to read this and comment, I want only happy rainbow comments. If you don't wanna hear it, don't read it!


For almost 9 months I was under the care of an unhelpful doctor. He only ever did exactly what I asked, which meant that I couldn't just go in and tell him what the problem was, I had to find the solution myself first and then convince him to prescribe it. I've now found out that he didn't write down any of this, which has left our insurance claim dead in the water. According to the doctor, I have not presented with any anxiety issues and have not been diagnosed with agoraphobia. What a putz.

However, I've now come under the care of Alma St Health Clinic, which has turned out to be flaming AWESOME. I had an Occupational Therapy appointment on Monday - he came out to my house because I couldn't leave my bedroom, so we compromised and met in the dining room. I've just come back from a Psychiatrist appointment, and he's hooked me up with some new pills (Efexor) AND is also going to refer me to a dietician for help with my PCOS. And you know how much it's all costing?

FREE.
NADA.
ZIP.
ZILCH.
NOTHING!

You'd think that my GP would've sent me to these people before now, right? I mean, all those times I told him that I was cancelling appointments because I couldn't afford them, all those times I told him the anxiety was getting worse.

Anyway, let's not dwell.

I'M GETTING HELP! YAY!